glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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