also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
