I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I could make wine with my vomit
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
