hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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