haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
