Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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