maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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