I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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