gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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