i love accidental penises.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
