tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Say something about gay babies.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize