I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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