She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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