I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
