What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
