I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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