Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
