I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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