there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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