Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
