I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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