I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
