can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
