The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I met the friendliest cop last night
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
