No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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