i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
