So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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