Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My feet surprised me
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize