My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
