The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
