The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
