A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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