i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
