I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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