plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
