You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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