This is not my ceiling
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
