I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
