I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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