Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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