turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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