I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
