I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
