So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
