I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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