so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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