First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
