You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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