he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
