My friends, they love my intelligence
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
