i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize