whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
