I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
