I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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