it was like eating out sand paper
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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