Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
