I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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