Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
