I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
